The 'second arrow': why do we make ourselves feel worse?

I am a big procrastinator. I make big plans, I love a big plan, and then just... don't do anything else. And often that's fine, although I might feel a bit rubbish. The problem comes afterwards: when I berate myself (which feels really rubbish.) I tell myself the most awful things. That I'm lazy. I'm useless. I never do anything worthwhile, and therefore I am myself, not worthwhile. I'm worthless. And all because, for example, I didn't put away the washing!

I'm sure you can relate. Ever had a day of rest and relaxation, and instead of resting a relaxing, you just stressed out about all the things you could (or 'should') be doing? In this situation, not only has nothing been achieved, you didn't even get that R and R. And you feel worse than you did before.

We all have situations, actions and experiences that we wish had gone differently, that we wish we'd done differently, whether its as trivial as skipping a workout, or something much more serious.

But then what comes next? Do we deal with that pain, that discomfort, that regret by sitting with it, allowing it to just 'be'? Or do we let it spiral off into something unweildy, heavier, that takes a form of its own? A form that feels so much unbearable than it's origins?

The Buddhist parable of the second arrow demonstrates this problem wonderfully, reflecting on how we can manage the suffering that is unfortunately inevitable sometimes. The Buddha explained that while we can't always control the first arrow- what happens to us that causes the original pain-we have some control over the second arrow- the subsequent pain caused by our reaction and response.

Sometimes, shit happens. Maybe it's our fault, maybe it's not, but nevertheless it's crappy and hard to deal with. Feelings of regret, embarrassment anger and loss are normal, and can often be helpful responses to tough situations. What is never helpful, though, is when those feelings turn to shame, bitterness and helplessness. They just compound an already difficult experience. This is the second arrow, and it can cause so much more damage than the first.

In my case, and that of many of the clients I work with, it's usually my inner critic that fires the second arrow. She tells me I'm at fault and doomed to a life of failure. For others, unchecked anger might turn a minor inconvenience into an entire day's worth of imaginary arguments, seething rage and a nervous system in full fight or flight mode, ready to overspill into an actual fight at any moment.

This is a human experience, one that we are all familiar with, and we can't just switch it off. Being aware of it, however, and spotting when it is happening, can give us just enough space to back off and stop (or at least slow) the spiraling. We aren't always in control of that first arrow, and taking control of that second arrow can be a challenge, too. But with practise, we can soften it's blow a little.